It’s Not Somebody Else’s Fault

In the wake of the massacre of Aurora, Colorado, people have had a chance to reflect on one of the biggest mass shootings in history.  There are stories of heroism.  Three men gave their lives while protecting their girlfriends. 
Twenty-five-year-old Jon Blunk was sitting next to his girlfriend, Jansen Young, at the midnight premiere of "The Dark Knight Rises" when the gunman opened fire in the dark theater. Blunk instinctively pushed his girlfriend to the ground and threw his body on top of hers. Blunk, a security guard, served five years in the Navy and was in the process of re-enlisting in hopes of becoming a Navy SEAL, family and friends said. He was killed in the gunfire; his girlfriend survived.  Twenty-four-year-old Alex Teves dived on top of his girlfriend, Amanda Lindgren, when the gunfire erupted. Covering her body, he took the bullets so they did not harm her. She survived the massacre; he did not.  Matt McQuinn, 27 years old, threw his body in front of his girlfriend, Samantha Yowler, as the shooting continued. Yowler survived with a gunshot wound to the knee; McQuinn's body absorbed the fatal shots. Or this 13 year old girl who tried to save the 6 year old girl she babysat for.

The thing that is bothersome to us though is the people who look to lay blame for this.  For example, the lawyer who filed an immediate lawsuit on behalf, not of one of the victims or even one of those hurt.  He blames the theater, the doctors, and Warner Bros for the shooting.  Give me a break!  I searched the web and found a preponderance of ads looking to “help” victims of the shooting.  Where there is senseless evil, there always seems to be somebody looking to profit from it.  Tragedies like this bring out the best and the worst of us.  James Holmes was troubled individual who acted ALONE!  There is a cost to the lawyers who want to “help”.

It seems that we want to always look for blame to others when we sin.  The point is that we all sin and no amount of blame can make up for that fact.  No amount of security, no amount of preventative medicine, no amount of litigation.  Our litigious society has now added a cost to the blame game that continues to cripple our country.  Do we really think that these lawyers do this out of the goodness of their heart.  I am not sure which is worse, James Holmes or the lawyers that seek to profit.  A deranged man is just that, a deranged man.  How can we protect a culture from a deranged man?  From most accounts, he acted fairly rationally and gave little clues this was going to happen.  It simmered seemingly just below the surface.  

To some level, we all are just as potentially dangerous as James Holmes.  It does not take much to act like him.  We live in a fallen, depraved world where Satan would love to have an army of James Holmes.  And it would not take much for each of us to act in similar ways.  It is not a big gap between the anger we feel and express and the anger that caused a man to shoot up a movie theatre.  That is what Jesus was saying when he says that those who insult our brother are as guilty as a murderer.

On the contrary, there are the heroes, the rays of hope who stand as evidence that there is also good that can come out of even the worst of situations.  These heroes are symbols of the ultimate sacrifice Jesus paid as he entered our fallen world. 

God is Good No Matter What

It is very easy to look at things from a human lens.  I guess that is because we are human.  Several weeks ago while we were in church, we received a distress call from our daughter who was on her way home and had a major accident on the highway near Chicago.  I won’t repeat the story – you can find it on Debbie’s blog here.  The bottom line is that our daughter by all rights based on what happened should have been killed or severely injured, but she wasn’t.  She walked away from an accident that any other time of the day or week would have been far worse.  She did not hit any other car or hurt any other person.  The car spun 360 degrees on the highway and struck the median as shown below. 

It was an act of grace.  Bethany was not hurt.  We might even say she was spared.  But we have godly friends who lost a son due to a freak accident.  Are we any more spiritual than they are?  Hardly so.  For some reason, God did not take Bethany home that night.  It was grace.  Our friends had to take years of heartache and dig deep down into their relationship with Christ to even persevere.  Their son’s faith encouraged many to come to faith likewise and the parents have also been used of God to tell their story.

I am reminded of two simple truths.  First, we live in a fallen world and as a result, Christians endure pain and suffering as much as non Christians.  In fact, Christians endure more pain because they name the name of Christ.  Secondly,  God gives grace.  He gives grace to each of us to enter into a relationship with Him through Jesus Christ.  That relationship overshadows the trouble of this life.  When God takes a Christian out of this life, there is reason to celebrate because they are home.  He also provides the grace in this life to persevere in the loss of loved ones.  Paul says whether we live or die, we are the Lords.

We can love a God who is so infinite and loving despite the circumstances of this life.  My God is not a genie in a bottle.  He is a loving Father that I can trust fully no matter what. 

Words of Affirmation

Women really don’t understand the power they have over men.  You would have thought we would have learned from people like Samson, but we didn’t.  We men have to know that the women in our lives support us and affirm us. 

Example #1 – James Braddock’s wife does not want him to fight and had he gone into the ring, his brain would have been pummeled to mush.  But she goes into the locker room and he comes out of there a new man.

Then there is this Rocky classic.  He is about to go into the ring with Apollo Creed with a gut on him my size.  But all it takes is Adrian telling him “WIN”, then the usual montage of Rocky willing himself into the best shape of his career.

Ok, so that is the movies and this is real life.  Yes, it is but it happens outside of Hollywood too.  My wife and I have this thing where when I am on my way home, I let her know via text message and these are the types of response she gives me (used with permission).

Dan – Leaving now, home in 30
Deb – My heart swelleth in loove for you.
Dan – Home in 30
Deb – The sun shines brighter just knowing that.
Dan – Home in 30
Deb – Rejoicing in holy matrimony!
Dan – Home in 30
Deb – Oh how sweet that sounds.
Dan – Home in 25 (was on my way then)
Deb – Oh shivers of marital joy
Dan – Home shortly
Deb – My day is now completely full of joy

Now I know that sounds completely hokey, but it doesn’t matter what has happened that day.  These words affirm me, they build me up.  I know it’s coming and I know it’s corny but I love it.  When we mentor young couples, we remind them how much they need to know the love language of the other.  My wife knows for me it is words of affirmation.  She builds me up.  It may not have the Hollywood flair, but it works.

Remembering Rwanda

In 2005, I visited Rwanda as part of a team from World Vision.  The little video montage I put together captured the essence of the trip.  It was a life changing trip for me.  Rwanda is a small country the size of Maryland with about 9 million residents.  Rwanda went through a horrendous genocide in 1994 when between 700,000 and 1 million Rwandans were systematically slaughtered mostly in a one month killing season.  So imagine about 10% of the country being killed.  Neighbor slaughtered neighbor, friends slaughtered friends, and even family member slaughtered family member.  The distinction over who lived and who died was whether they were Tutsi, a somewhat arbitrary ethnic determination originally started by the Belgians when they were in charge of the country. 

I have read most every book on Rwanda I can find.  The common theme is that those that took life depersonalized their neighbor, their friend, their family member.  The interviews revealed the lie that the taking of life was part of a mission almost a job.  The killers would go out systematically and slaughter and then come back for a little party at the end of the day.  They did not see a person, they saw a task.  Those that survived commented that they could see a lifeless person in their attacker.  Also interestingly, the church was no refuge.  In several instances, people were urged to go to a church as a safe haven only to have priests turn on them and be slaughtered.

Can this thing happen today?  Absolutely!  Rwanda was essentially a “Christian country”.  Do we realize it is the presence of the Holy Spirit today that keeps us from this happening anywhere today?  The Holy Spirit is what moves and causes us to see people as they are in God’s image.  If the Holy Spirit were not here as will happen in the end times, that people will have no restraint.  Satan will have a field day as there will be no restraining element at all.  Do we realize that we are so utterly depraved that rampant killing could easily occur any time at any place?  People left to their own devices are incredibly evil. 

Thankfully that is not the end of the story.  Rwanda has experienced rebirth.  It started with the supernatural power of forgiveness.  People had to have a special dose of the Holy Spirit to forgive their attackers.  And they did.  The Holy Spirit gives incredible power to forgive and rebuild relationships.   We visited Rwanda again in 2009 and again saw the power of forgiveness.  Rwanda could be have completely disintegrated, but it did not.  It is an example of renewal by the Holy Spirit.

What Makes a Marriage Work?

This past week, Deb and I celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary.  Seems like just yesterday we were married.  This is what we looked like then.

Ahh, so happy, so in love!  Except that is not the truth.  Our first ten years or so of marriage were brutal.  We are pre-marital mentors at our church Christ Community Chapel and the first thing we tell our candidate couples is that the euphoria of marriage wears off very quickly.  I remember on our honeymoon thinking I married the wrong person.  

A turning point occurred around year 10 when we both attended a conference entitled “Management and Marriage” sponsored by Fellowship of Companies for Christ and it caused both of us to look inwardly and instead of trying to change the other person, we asked God to change us.  And God indeed changed us.  And in the process of changing us, He fitted us together more and more as a couple.  The process caused us to appreciate more and more what each other had as strengths rather than perceived weaknesses.  When we honor God’s covenant of marriage and commit to holy living, He changes us.  So a successful marriage is supernatural.  That is what we tell our couples.

So what makes a marriage work?  Here are some tips from the Dan and Debbie school of hard knocks.

1. A commitment to the covenant of marriage.  You pledged “till death do us part” in front of witnesses and God.
2. Pray that you will be conformed to who God wants you to be for your spouse and don’t try to change your spouse.
3. Don’t expect your spouse to change, but don’t be surprised if they do (see #2).
4. Communicate even when it hurts. 
5. Don’t use rule #4 as an excuse to hurt your spouse – see rule #6.
6. Pick your battles – Lord knows my wife has.
7. Be upfront on practical issues, especially money.
8. Never put your spouse down in front of others including your children.  Watch “prayer requests” about your spouse with others.
9. Praise your spouse often, especially in front of others.  Works great with guys especially coming from their wife.
10. Do stuff together – Deb has acquired a taste for baseball as an example and I just enjoy going on trips with her.
11. Eat meals together – we ate many meals together as a family and it was foundational. 
12. Laugh a lot – we do.  Someone has said a marriage makes life twice as much fun and lessens half the stress.  No doubt about it.
13. Be committed to God’s word in your family. 
14. Be committed to personal holiness.  The difference in my life especially in the past few years is that commitment. 
15. Place your spouse above all else behind your Lord and Saviour.

My wife is more lovely to me by far today than when we got married.  She is my best friend on this earth.  God has woven us together over the past 27 years and I am blessed for it.  Here is what we look like now. 

This picture is taken on one of our many adventures to the Taj Mahal (we never actually went in but that is another story).  While the body sags and hair turns gray, the marriage journey becomes even more special and even more rewarding.  There is a reason it is the picture that Christ uses with his church.  I pray that you will find the same joy in your marriage.  God can heal any marriage just as He did ours.

Mom's Day 2012

Today is Mother's Day. I am reminded that I am blessed to have three great mothers and each in their own way is special to me. My birth mom currently lives in Peru. My relationship with my mom has sometimes been rocky as many men have with their moms. But my mom has been very supportive of me, especially as I have gotten older. She is a very gregarious individual who loves to be with people. She has been a very successful businesswoman. In her retirement years, she is very comfortable living in a foreign country, playing bridge with ambassador's wives, and learnign a new culture. With my mom, you know exactly what you get - she is very forthright individual which I have grown to appreciate. She is no nonsense and she let's you know where she is coming from even if you don't agree with it.

My mother-in-law lives in Wheaton, IL and i have known her for 28 years. She has a real gift of hospitality and service. There are so many times I remember people in her home and she always made her home a warm, inviting place. She welcomed me into their home as a new believer in Christ and encouraged me in my young faith. I know people who have a poor relationship with their in-laws, but I love my in-laws and am so thankful for them. They have been very encouraging of our marriage also and what marriage needs to have stress.

Finally, there is my stepmother Linda who lives with my Dad in Tucson, AZ. My Dad and Linda have been married somewhere around 21 years and she treats us just like the family. I love her low key, and dry sense of humor. You have to be a special woman to put up with my Dad.

It has been great to see my kids all call their mother today. That I think is the most rewarding part is see my wife receive the recognition from her kids that she deserves because she is a great mom. She is not my mom, but my partner in raising three great kids so I have had a front row seat on how she has interacted with our kids. There have been times where she has had to take the lion's share of the parenting because I have been working too much, traveling, or just plain neglectful. But she has done so with a wonderful, supportive heart.

So Happy Mothers Day!

Anger is but a Moment Away

Our dog, Maxwell is the nicest, most social animal on the face of the earth.  He is a big dog and from outside appearances could be viewed as threatening.  But this dog wouldn’t harm a fly.  Even in situations where he is being threatened by another dog, he is very calm, very social.  But Max is 11 years old and twice in the past month or so, I have seen evidence that Max is not quite the same Max.

Over Easter we were over at my in-laws and we had family over.  We had just finished our meal on Good Friday and during the meal Max was relegated to the basement.  This was just cause of the nuisance factor.  But we were done now so we invited Max up not thinking anything of it.  Max was grazing under the table looking for any scraps which we don’t like but it is what dogs do.  The youngest boy of my wife’s cousin was calmly petting the dog.  AND THEN IT HAPPENED!  In a fraction of a moment, the dog turned and bit the little boy.  Never, ever seen it happen.  And this was not just a little attention getter – he broke skin.

Then a few weeks ago, I caught Max in the middle of licking our nice wood floor which drives Deb and I nuts.  He retreats to his cage when caught in something like this but I wouldn’t let him get away in his retreat.  I grabbed him with the intention of showing him his sin of licking our floor.  While I was grabbing him, he yelped and nipped at me.  So twice in one month what had never happened before.  Could Max be turning the page to cranky old doggyness?  Something to keep in mind when we have people over. 

I am reminded that anger is a bitter brew that is just waiting to come out.  For some of us, it is right at the surface.  For others of us it is deep down and when it blows, it really blows.  I tend to fall into the latter category, but I really have a major league temper when it blows.  James 3 talks about how much damage a tongue can wreck.  It can set a forest in fire, it can defile a body.  It is full of poison, it is untamable.  Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount talks about the anger of man being an insidious, internal sin that can just pop out at a moment.  How many of us can just blow up and we wonder where that venomous wrath comes from.  I can remember something just setting me off with my children.  It was not them – it was me.  Usually it was a result of frustration, the frustration of a sinful heart.  Not all anger is sin mind you but most is.  Anger against sin is natural, but that is probably a small fraction of the sin that comes out of us.  Most of our anger comes from our self-centeredness. 

What can tame the tongue?  James 3 goes on to say that there is a gentleness in wisdom that comes from above.  In other words, bitterness and rage is natural, gentleness is supernatural.  We need God to change us from the inside out..  We need the presence of the Holy Spirit molding us, changing us, transforming us into His image.  We need Romans 12:2 transformation. 

Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.