The Lost Art of Conversation

I love social media. It has brought me into contact with people I probably would not have stayed in contact with. It keeps me connected with those closest to me. My daughter is halfway across the world right now, yet she feels so close because of social media. Yet, for all its positives, I fear social media is causing more harm than good. One of the ways it is causing harm is it virtually eliminates conversation.

I can think of many ways to illustrate this, but let me share a couple. First your urge to engage in virtual activity hurts your ability to engage in interpersonal activity. Walk into your nearest restaurant and look at the tables. You will find people heads-down looking at their phones while the person sitting across from them does the same thing. Deb and I were eating out at Costco (yes, I am quite the date) on the way home from work and I spotted a father and young daughter and both were looking at their phones. I don't think I saw a single word uttered between the two of them. How tragic!

Another way of harm is that social media is a one-way expression of language. When someone tweets or makes a post, they are doing so to make a unilateral statement. That is why so many get in trouble. I don't care much for Twitter and don't use it. I have trouble expressing something in few characters and developing a thought. The problem is I am conveying a thought that has to be flattened into a few characters. Then I have the problem of context and time. Someone is going to read that tweet and try to inject their own context. In a conversation, both of these are less likely to happen.

I think of Jesus and the woman at the well (John 4:7-38) as a prime example of what we lose in conversation. There is context - it is the middle of the hot summer day and a Jew and a Samaritan woman would never associate. Jesus asks her for a drink, a very unusual request under that context. She responds to ask why He would do that. He says he can provide living water which evokes curiosity. It goes back and forth with Jesus explaining what living water is and identifying with this woman's sinful lifestyle without condemning her. It is a masterful use of conversation by the Lord of the conversation. Can you imagine Jesus using texting or tweeting?

"Can u give me a drink?"

?

"Can u give me a drink?"

? - "what r u asking Jew man? I am a Samaritan."

"I can give u living water"

?

And so on it goes. I have friends that will try to engage me in long conversation via text messaging and I put a stop to it. Call me - too long to discuss in 140 character spurts. It is so easy to fall into the trap and it follows us into ordinary conversation. I find I interrupt to frequently. I don't listen intently and empathetically. My staccato use of conversation is all too easy. Force yourself to listen deeply, to listen carefully. Repeat back the person's words to them. And please put the device away during the conversation.

Quick to Hear, Slow to Speak, Slow to Anger

This you know my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.  James 1:19-20

I love the book of James - it has to be my favorite book of the Bible because it is so practical and down to earth.  I have committed to memorizing it this year and I am sure from time to time I will comment on it in my blog. James talks to scattered believers all over the globe at the time of its writing but it feels like he is just talking to you and I in our living room. He refers to us constantly in his book as "his beloved brothers".

I talk too much, I listen too little, and I get angry too easily. Isn't it interesting how those three are connected? It starts with listening to others. I have a habit of not listening with empathy. One of Steven Covey's seven habits is "Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood". My brain goes to what I am going to say without listening to what the other is saying. Or I have a nasty habit of filling in what the other is saying. My wife and I call each other out on that all the time. Wise counselors say very little. They have perfected the act of listening. I have a friend who is an incredibly good listener. His listening enables him to ask wise questions. My board of directors of my company are fantastic listeners. So it starts there.

If you are quick to hear, you have to be slow to speak. You wait until it is time to speak. Most of us don't wait until the pause. One time I had co-workers who were constantly interrupting each other. We used another Steven Covey technique called the "talking stick". The talking stick is an object that rests in the hands of another until they are done and then they push it to you to symbolize that they are done. Another technique is asking "framing questions". It simply means repeating back what you think the other person is saying.

Finally, isn't it interesting that anger is associated with listening and speaking. But that makes sense. So much of conflict is rooted in an inability to communicate. Anger is born out of frustrated expectations. I find it really interesting that much of my anger surfaces in two venues where I retain some level of anonymity - e-mail and car. E-mail is uni-directional communication. I can say exactly what is on my mind without any response from you. So many times (even this past week), I sent an e-mail in anger based on a total misconception. Should have called the person when it sent off a nerve and it would have revealed the issue. It is the cowards way out and misdirected anger is cowardly.

Second is driving. I am a recovering tailgater. Just yesterday (as I was leaving church), I tailgated a woman who was driving slower than I would have liked. She got angry at me, let me pass and honked the horn at me. Now if I was in a line at the grocery store and I saw that woman's face, I would have let her go in front of me. But because I was in anonymity, I get frustrated. I literally have to imagine that person in that car as in front of me personally.