This you know my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20
I love the book of James - it has to be my favorite book of the Bible because it is so practical and down to earth. I have committed to memorizing it this year and I am sure from time to time I will comment on it in my blog. James talks to scattered believers all over the globe at the time of its writing but it feels like he is just talking to you and I in our living room. He refers to us constantly in his book as "his beloved brothers".
I talk too much, I listen too little, and I get angry too easily. Isn't it interesting how those three are connected? It starts with listening to others. I have a habit of not listening with empathy. One of Steven Covey's seven habits is "Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood". My brain goes to what I am going to say without listening to what the other is saying. Or I have a nasty habit of filling in what the other is saying. My wife and I call each other out on that all the time. Wise counselors say very little. They have perfected the act of listening. I have a friend who is an incredibly good listener. His listening enables him to ask wise questions. My board of directors of my company are fantastic listeners. So it starts there.
If you are quick to hear, you have to be slow to speak. You wait until it is time to speak. Most of us don't wait until the pause. One time I had co-workers who were constantly interrupting each other. We used another Steven Covey technique called the "talking stick". The talking stick is an object that rests in the hands of another until they are done and then they push it to you to symbolize that they are done. Another technique is asking "framing questions". It simply means repeating back what you think the other person is saying.
Finally, isn't it interesting that anger is associated with listening and speaking. But that makes sense. So much of conflict is rooted in an inability to communicate. Anger is born out of frustrated expectations. I find it really interesting that much of my anger surfaces in two venues where I retain some level of anonymity - e-mail and car. E-mail is uni-directional communication. I can say exactly what is on my mind without any response from you. So many times (even this past week), I sent an e-mail in anger based on a total misconception. Should have called the person when it sent off a nerve and it would have revealed the issue. It is the cowards way out and misdirected anger is cowardly.
Second is driving. I am a recovering tailgater. Just yesterday (as I was leaving church), I tailgated a woman who was driving slower than I would have liked. She got angry at me, let me pass and honked the horn at me. Now if I was in a line at the grocery store and I saw that woman's face, I would have let her go in front of me. But because I was in anonymity, I get frustrated. I literally have to imagine that person in that car as in front of me personally.
