What Makes a Marriage Work?

This past week, Deb and I celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary.  Seems like just yesterday we were married.  This is what we looked like then.

Ahh, so happy, so in love!  Except that is not the truth.  Our first ten years or so of marriage were brutal.  We are pre-marital mentors at our church Christ Community Chapel and the first thing we tell our candidate couples is that the euphoria of marriage wears off very quickly.  I remember on our honeymoon thinking I married the wrong person.  

A turning point occurred around year 10 when we both attended a conference entitled “Management and Marriage” sponsored by Fellowship of Companies for Christ and it caused both of us to look inwardly and instead of trying to change the other person, we asked God to change us.  And God indeed changed us.  And in the process of changing us, He fitted us together more and more as a couple.  The process caused us to appreciate more and more what each other had as strengths rather than perceived weaknesses.  When we honor God’s covenant of marriage and commit to holy living, He changes us.  So a successful marriage is supernatural.  That is what we tell our couples.

So what makes a marriage work?  Here are some tips from the Dan and Debbie school of hard knocks.

1. A commitment to the covenant of marriage.  You pledged “till death do us part” in front of witnesses and God.
2. Pray that you will be conformed to who God wants you to be for your spouse and don’t try to change your spouse.
3. Don’t expect your spouse to change, but don’t be surprised if they do (see #2).
4. Communicate even when it hurts. 
5. Don’t use rule #4 as an excuse to hurt your spouse – see rule #6.
6. Pick your battles – Lord knows my wife has.
7. Be upfront on practical issues, especially money.
8. Never put your spouse down in front of others including your children.  Watch “prayer requests” about your spouse with others.
9. Praise your spouse often, especially in front of others.  Works great with guys especially coming from their wife.
10. Do stuff together – Deb has acquired a taste for baseball as an example and I just enjoy going on trips with her.
11. Eat meals together – we ate many meals together as a family and it was foundational. 
12. Laugh a lot – we do.  Someone has said a marriage makes life twice as much fun and lessens half the stress.  No doubt about it.
13. Be committed to God’s word in your family. 
14. Be committed to personal holiness.  The difference in my life especially in the past few years is that commitment. 
15. Place your spouse above all else behind your Lord and Saviour.

My wife is more lovely to me by far today than when we got married.  She is my best friend on this earth.  God has woven us together over the past 27 years and I am blessed for it.  Here is what we look like now. 

This picture is taken on one of our many adventures to the Taj Mahal (we never actually went in but that is another story).  While the body sags and hair turns gray, the marriage journey becomes even more special and even more rewarding.  There is a reason it is the picture that Christ uses with his church.  I pray that you will find the same joy in your marriage.  God can heal any marriage just as He did ours.

Mom's Day 2012

Today is Mother's Day. I am reminded that I am blessed to have three great mothers and each in their own way is special to me. My birth mom currently lives in Peru. My relationship with my mom has sometimes been rocky as many men have with their moms. But my mom has been very supportive of me, especially as I have gotten older. She is a very gregarious individual who loves to be with people. She has been a very successful businesswoman. In her retirement years, she is very comfortable living in a foreign country, playing bridge with ambassador's wives, and learnign a new culture. With my mom, you know exactly what you get - she is very forthright individual which I have grown to appreciate. She is no nonsense and she let's you know where she is coming from even if you don't agree with it.

My mother-in-law lives in Wheaton, IL and i have known her for 28 years. She has a real gift of hospitality and service. There are so many times I remember people in her home and she always made her home a warm, inviting place. She welcomed me into their home as a new believer in Christ and encouraged me in my young faith. I know people who have a poor relationship with their in-laws, but I love my in-laws and am so thankful for them. They have been very encouraging of our marriage also and what marriage needs to have stress.

Finally, there is my stepmother Linda who lives with my Dad in Tucson, AZ. My Dad and Linda have been married somewhere around 21 years and she treats us just like the family. I love her low key, and dry sense of humor. You have to be a special woman to put up with my Dad.

It has been great to see my kids all call their mother today. That I think is the most rewarding part is see my wife receive the recognition from her kids that she deserves because she is a great mom. She is not my mom, but my partner in raising three great kids so I have had a front row seat on how she has interacted with our kids. There have been times where she has had to take the lion's share of the parenting because I have been working too much, traveling, or just plain neglectful. But she has done so with a wonderful, supportive heart.

So Happy Mothers Day!

Anger is but a Moment Away

Our dog, Maxwell is the nicest, most social animal on the face of the earth.  He is a big dog and from outside appearances could be viewed as threatening.  But this dog wouldn’t harm a fly.  Even in situations where he is being threatened by another dog, he is very calm, very social.  But Max is 11 years old and twice in the past month or so, I have seen evidence that Max is not quite the same Max.

Over Easter we were over at my in-laws and we had family over.  We had just finished our meal on Good Friday and during the meal Max was relegated to the basement.  This was just cause of the nuisance factor.  But we were done now so we invited Max up not thinking anything of it.  Max was grazing under the table looking for any scraps which we don’t like but it is what dogs do.  The youngest boy of my wife’s cousin was calmly petting the dog.  AND THEN IT HAPPENED!  In a fraction of a moment, the dog turned and bit the little boy.  Never, ever seen it happen.  And this was not just a little attention getter – he broke skin.

Then a few weeks ago, I caught Max in the middle of licking our nice wood floor which drives Deb and I nuts.  He retreats to his cage when caught in something like this but I wouldn’t let him get away in his retreat.  I grabbed him with the intention of showing him his sin of licking our floor.  While I was grabbing him, he yelped and nipped at me.  So twice in one month what had never happened before.  Could Max be turning the page to cranky old doggyness?  Something to keep in mind when we have people over. 

I am reminded that anger is a bitter brew that is just waiting to come out.  For some of us, it is right at the surface.  For others of us it is deep down and when it blows, it really blows.  I tend to fall into the latter category, but I really have a major league temper when it blows.  James 3 talks about how much damage a tongue can wreck.  It can set a forest in fire, it can defile a body.  It is full of poison, it is untamable.  Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount talks about the anger of man being an insidious, internal sin that can just pop out at a moment.  How many of us can just blow up and we wonder where that venomous wrath comes from.  I can remember something just setting me off with my children.  It was not them – it was me.  Usually it was a result of frustration, the frustration of a sinful heart.  Not all anger is sin mind you but most is.  Anger against sin is natural, but that is probably a small fraction of the sin that comes out of us.  Most of our anger comes from our self-centeredness. 

What can tame the tongue?  James 3 goes on to say that there is a gentleness in wisdom that comes from above.  In other words, bitterness and rage is natural, gentleness is supernatural.  We need God to change us from the inside out..  We need the presence of the Holy Spirit molding us, changing us, transforming us into His image.  We need Romans 12:2 transformation. 

Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.